Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Hated Things

I hate the fact that the 'natural man is an enemy to God'. The thing that I find difficult about it is that I have the urge to yell and complain (and sometimes cuss) a lot. I mean, come on, I have FOUR kids under seven! How can I NOT want to, or even NEED to, hollar every once in a while? This statement has become my mantra that I chant silently in my head to keep me from giving in to this natural state. I've become accustomed to tempering these temptations, but find that exercising self-mastery can be a tiring task when I have to remain on constant guard of not only the words (and tone) that come out of my mouth, but the tiny little thoughts in my mind that are the seeds of such behavior.

I hate the fact that at times, I fit the epitome of the word "Girl". Because of the practice abound I have engaged in in tempering the 'natural man' of me, I rate myself 'pretty good' at refraining from gossiping and grudge-holding, criticizing, cliqueing, whining, complaining and general cattiness that women (girls) at times can get caught up in. What really makes me struggle are the periods of time when the moon is aligned perfectly with the stars and I find myself in a state of unpredictable floods of tears. While I am grateful that its not a regular occurrence, I loathe the state where my red-nosed, puffy-eyed, snot-falling-out-of-my-head aura overcomes me without just cause. Seriously, how am I suppose to explain that to my husband?

I hate the fact that sometimes I am just plain wrong. Not that I am rarely so (because THAT's not true at all), but being caught by someone else when I am wrong really, really stinks. *sigh* I suppose I should be grateful that offering sincere apologies come easy for me... and likely, I should practice that a whole lot more than I do.

What I hate the most, though, is hurting someone else. Its bad when it is a friend. Its worse when it is one of my immediate family members. The ultimate and absolute worst is if its my husband. I can take his being mad at me but I abhor the notion that I have hurt his feelings. It is unbearable, regardless of whether or not it was intended. It stinks and I feel like the worst kind of person that I never NEVER ever want to be.


Kimberly said...

Oh hun, owie. You sound so sad. Hope writing it out was cathartic for you.

Nichole said...

Facing, accepting, and beating into submission our natural (wo)man is the hardest thing some of us will ever do. I feel your pain!